Turns out my little bout of sickness for the last six months was in fact Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), which is triggered by stress and/or anxiety. Now I am someone who does not show their stress or anxiety externally - to everyone I am happy and cheerful, occasionally moody but I blame that on PMS - because I simply internalise this stress and anxiety, ultimately making myself sick.
I stress about everything and I get frights for anything and everything - for real - someone raises their voice a little too much and I get a fright. It seems so funny to everyone but inside I'm actually feeling so much fear for those few seconds. Besides the frights, I stress about the fact that people I know are acting in ways that will be detrimental to their characters - making them appear rude, arrogant or obnoxious. When it gets to boiling point I always end up taking it out on Gersh, even though he is not at fault. However, being the amazing person that he is, he will hear me out and let me cry about it, if I must.
I just cannot ignore things, I don't like letting things be. I especially hate when I can see how things will only get worse, but Gershwin being an extremely wise person will always offer me words of encouragement when things go seem to be going downhill. One day I was at breaking point and you know what he tells me? He says to ignore others, ignore their ill-mannered ways, ignore their mood swings and simply worry about myself only. He told me to put myself first. Since that day I have done what he has said, but the anxiety did not disappear because the things around me still bothered me subconsciously and actually made me sick.
I now have a run-down immune system because I haven't eaten properly in 6 weeks, this has led to me having a very bad bout of flu - so bad that I can't even breathe at night - but I have now learnt that sometimes I cannot and should not make other people's issues, bad attitudes or ill-manners my problem. It is theirs to sort out and if they have to learn the hard way, then so be it.
Today, I feel fives time better than I did last week and slowly that five will rise to 100. I realise now that in order for me to be healthy again I need to stay happy, positive and surround myself with love. My mother and Gershwin have both told me to not worry with others, and they let me vent which is all I sometimes need.
Through all of this I have learnt that anxiety and stress are unnecessary and bad for my health so from now on I will live for me, putting myself on top of my list.
And no, I am not a pessimist - I am just a happy person who cares too much about others.
No comments:
Post a Comment